Few years later and 30 something me..

In the last two years I gained a lot of perspective. I am angry. I have always been angry. I found world to be very unjust towards women. I am lonely. I am an only child. I have been through life all by myself. I have shouldered every challenge on my only shoulders. I am exhausted. Being alone and angry sucks. 

What I have realized is, I have been through so much and still managed to be ok. My friends and acquaintances who have had to go through a lot did not react as graciously as I did. I am very tough. Since my childhood, I had to be the one who had to be mature. Since my father was away for work, it was my duty to show the world that I was a matured, sensible, good girl. I feel very burdened by it. I am exhausted. I feel this burden all the time. Its like I can never be the one who has fun, who can be careless, who will be taken care of. 

I had no one to turn to talk or express what I went through for a very long time. I tried to find solace in friends who took advantage of my vulnerability. I was always the one who yearned for a true connection, became the clingy friend, all because I was a lonely kid and an adult. 

Somedays I feel I have a lot of potential, other days I feel worthless. It has been tough two years. I truly know my weaknesses and my strengths. Thirties is a time where the competition is not with others, but with yourself. If I pull through, if I truly understand my potential, I can turn my life around. I hope I truly work on myself to become a more efficient and resilient person. I develop grit. I become the best of what I can be. That would be truly amazing!